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Self-hating and Berating Consider the erroneous advice on the cover of a contemporary women's magazine. But you probably didn't notice adbice text Notice how the magazine pays homage to the bullshit of the past while relentlessly kidney-punching it. Clearly, the modern woman is ready to go, even if she crushes your pubic bone into powder getting there. Yet for every nugget of anecdotal wisdom about how to please your man and hate your body, the magazine contradicts itself. It's stillright?
It doesn't matter, they're all shallow Manhattan elitists. Honestly, when in your life would you heed the wisdom of a woman dressed as a giant flower? So how to enjoy oneself on a date and adhere to the rigid dictates of strangers? Ignore some common rules plucked from today's checkout aisle: If you get a guy's number, wait three days to call so he wonders who you're sleeping with over the weekend. This counts as fantasizing about you. A man won't respect you if you have sex on the first date, unless it's with him. Have a friend Photoshop you before a date. Love yourself for who you are, says a magazine that has never had a size 10 cover model. Trust is Dating advice satire foundation of a healthy relationship.
Hire a private investigator to dig up your boyfriend's secrets so you know how exactly what kind of bastard you're dating. When having an affair with a married man, it is polite to wait at least six months for him to leave his wife before you "accidentally" get pregnant. Wow, there must be something wrong with you. Figure out what before you waste anyone else's time, you goddamn train wreck. Fortunately, the relationship advice these sources dispense is so terrible that within three generations anyone who heeded it failed to reproduce. Modern women know dating is more fun when you're sane, and these publications are dying off faster than the cast of Golden Girls. The long, hard battle for equality is nearly won, and in some states, it's even legal for a woman to ask a man out!
However, it should be noted that God has natural disasters planned for each of these states. Enjoy your plague of locusts, Sinsylvania! So it's obvious women enjoy sex, and possibly cities. Does that mean men want children? Here's a popular "lads' mag," a seething furnace of impotent rage hissing with a steamy need for validation. There's also Entourage, but the less said about that, the better. Men's publications are breeding a new caste of helpless, self-obsessed neurotics, just like women's mags did before their readership evolved an immunity to it.
GQ and Spy once dispensed useful information like how to knot a bow tie without strangling yourself, how to autoerotically asphyxiate without strangling yourself, and how to repair a car without strangling yourself. Today, Men's Health and Maxim fret over traditional women's concerns, like abdominal fitness and finding the clitoris. The three licensed Maxim products are hair dye, bed sheets and sweaters for kitty-cats. Ladies, you must treat such a man like you would a Victorian woman; use your hard-won independence to shield him from the world. Meanwhile, enjoy the equality waiting on the horizon. You won't like what you find, ladies!
All this time we were trying to save you from discovering the bitter truth! But you wouldn't turn back! Dating advice satire Enjoy your plague of locusts, Sinsylvania! Hindsight is here to offer his advice to those who dating advice satire brave enough to seek it out. Drop what you're doing right now and ask him out. Overthink the Hell Out of This Clearly, the modern woman is ready to go, even if she crushes your pubic bone into powder getting there. If your father didn't trade you for a cow, you applied for your withered maid license. Just The Facts Relationship advice usually reveals a lot more about the person dispensing it than cougar dating austin tx the relationship.
It's and we are woke as hell. Here's a few options and what they say about you:. But there are also xatire lot of bright people that like stupid stuff. We'll do all the work. Like the Stuff He Likes This is important. We can invite them! Pretend you're interested in sports and not weird stuff like reading Beyonce themed think-pieces. Overthink the Hell Out of This Get ready to overthink the hell out of this situation.
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